The Rat Bastard

One: "Him. There. Right ... there, sitting at the bar."

Two: "I don't see him."

One: "Wait for that fatass to get out of the way. OK, you see him? He's got the long black mustache and the thin eyebrows and the brown overcoat. The Chinese guy."

Two: "Shit, you could have just said the Chinese guy. It's not like there's a lot sitting around getting drunk in this dive."

One: "OK well fuck you and shut up. Now, I forget his name ... Seji Goong-something. But his name's not important. It's his job that's important. He's a mailman."

Two: "So what. I've seen enough mailmen."

One: "Mail CARRIERS, you sexist piece of shit. Now look: he's not the kind of mailman you see coming to your house every morning."

Two: "Except on Sundays."

One: "Except on Sundays, right. Seji delivers the undeliverable mail, you see."

Two: "The 'return to sender' shit?"

One: "No, you idiot. The REALLY undeliverable shit. To dead people."

Two: "That doesn't make a lick of sense."

One: "Not to you, it doesn't. But to him, it does. See, how it goes is you write a letter to someone you know who's deceased. Then you take the letter to a Chinese cemetary and incinerate it. Seji gets the letter and he delivers it to that person, wherever they are. He can find anyone."

Two: "So if I wanted to get the last word in with my dead uncle, I could just write a letter and burn it?"

One: "In a Chinese cemetary, yeah. Only not anymore. Not since that rat bastard went and fucked it all up. Now, Seji spends all his time right there at the bar, nursing his scotch on the rocks until the rocks are gone."

Two: "That rat bastard. What'd he do?"

One: "He fucked it all up is what he did! That rat bastard wrote himself a nice little letter and he went down to the Chinese cemetary out on 53 and he tossed it in the incinerator. Only he addressed it to someone who didn't exist. He made up some name that didn't exist that used to live in some city that never existed."

Two: "What a bastard."

One: "Yeah, but Seji didn't know that. As far as Seji knew, he just couldn't find the guy. Seji looked high, and Seji looked low, if you catch my drift."

Two: "Heaven and Hell, gotcha. The arm motions were enough of a giveaway."

One: "OK shut up. You're missing the point. The point is Seji couldn't find the guy anywhere. This had never happened before, you see. Old Seji thought something was wrong with HIM. And that's when old Seji just sorta gave up. And the rat bastard probably laughed his ass off."

Two: "What a rat fucking bastard."

One: "Exactly. That rat bastard went and ruined it for all of us."

Anthology Publication

I have, over time, developed a sort of disdain for my SPAM box. I rarely check it when I sign onto my email program, and yet I often wonder exactly what I might be missing from not doing it.

The only reason I checked it this week was because I had sent out a number of business-related emails and wanted to double-check for responses that might have slipped under the radar, so to speak. So I checked the SPAM box.

Lo and behold, I found a letter from a publisher whom I had contacted some time ago regarding a horror anthology they were putting together. The publisher, unbeknownst to me, had been trying to contact me.

So to sum up, I have a short story being published in DIABOLIC TALES.

9/11 Conspiracies

Our band's guitarist was telling us about a 9/11 "documentary" he recently viewed that concerned a number of conspiracy theories. While most of the so-called "arguments" could be easily explained (How can jet fuel melt the steel support structures? It didn't have to; all it had to do was weaken it by 50 percent), there were some questions that were harder to answer, and I think it boils down to this:

When you demolish a building, you place multiple charges on multiple levels in order to make sure it falls straight down in an orderly fashion. The towers were hit with planes, and yet they achieved the same type of perfect collapse that takes MONTHS of planning when construction copmanies are demolishing buildings.

Is there a reasonable answer to this question? Probably. But it undermines a much more important problem about 9/11: it wasn't that answers were never provided (they were provided), it's more about what QUESTIONS were never answered. There are a lot of discrepancies that to this day haven't been addressed, and now they're fueling these conspiracy theories.

Can you use this in your writing? Everyone has a 9/11 story to tell ... why not tell yours? Why not create a conspiracy theory of your own, based on the evidence provided to you? Create your own "truth" and reserve a space in the 9/11 literary canon.

What is a "Publisher"?

This is a question I have often been at odds with over the past few years, because the concept of "Publisher" immediately calls to mind one of the New York houses like Random House or Doubleday, the kind that publishes Stephen King and Bill O'Reilly and Dan Brown, etc. Is there any other option? What about the independent publishing houses all over the country? Do they have any less significance?

Yes and no. Yes in that the smaller publishing houses simply don't have the same shelfspace in bookstores as their bigger brothers in New York. When my book comes out, there won't be much demand for it in, say, Tennesse, and it will probably be impossible to find in that particular state's local Barnes and Noble stores. But the fall and summer lists from New York publishers will be available everywhere. Why? Because they have the power to do so. They have the staying power necessary to provide for a demand (although whether or not there's a demand for fiction from Nicole Ritchie is anyone's guess).

But independent publishers are not to be cast aside. My own publisher, Harbor House Books, started with one guy self-publishing his civil war novels, and has expanded now to a national level with dozens of authors and foreign rights across Europe. McSweeney's, started by author Dave Eggers, is one of the most popular underground publishing houses in the world. Dozens of these smaller publishing houses exist, and they work, and they are gaining in relevance in a world where New York publishers are more focused on the bottom line than producing quality fiction.

And the more quality writers who get turned down by New York, the more quality fiction will be produced entirely by independent publishers.

Use of the Bible

It's amazing what you can find when you're just dicking around on this "Internets" thing. For instance, did you know there's a movie at Sundance this year arguing that anti-gay rhetoric in churches is a recent development? It's a documentary following a number of gays and lesbians who have strong ties to religion in both their families and personal lives. You can read the article here.

This doesn't necessarily surprise me. What surprised me was, by reading allllll the way to the end of the article, there's a little tidbit nestled into the story about the yearly earnings of popular preachers. How much does 700 Club guru Pat Robertson make per year? $459 million. Something's wrong with that. Something very wrong.

If you dig deeper into Pat Robertson's history, you can find some great connections between him and an African warlord who has been responsible for thousands of deaths and who is connected to the diamond trade. You can also find a funny story about Robertson claiming his protein shake helped him leg press 1200 pounds.

Not a lot of people go through and read to the end of articles, and they never have. Typically, only about 30 percent of readers actually finish any given article they find, which is why most of the "newsworthy" information is at the front of an article. So what's at the bottom? Sometimes, it may surprise you ....

More Markets

It pays to keep a close eye on the classified sections of writing magazines, because that's where a lot of fiction magazines post calls for submissions, and it's the best way to find the most up-t0-date information on the current market. Fiction magazines, sadly, fluctuate wildly. Some survive for years, but most fail within a few issues. Which is why every issue counts, and why even now it's difficult to get stories published. Here's a couple I recently found:

Pearl Magazine

Tertulia

Dave Eggers

I had the opportunity to see Dave Eggers and Valentino Achak Deng speak here in Milwaukee last night, talking about Eggers' new book What is the What, which is based on the life of Valentino Achak Deng. It was an absolutely great experience, and the bookstore was jam-packed with people (typical, I'm sure, given Eggers' popularity). They spoke about Achak Deng's life in Sudan, how he made it to America, and what's happening in Sudan today. Eggers also talked about the "fiction" element of the book and how it contributed to the structure of the story, which was really interesting from a writer's perspective.

Afterwards, we waited to have our books signed and met both writers, who were nothing BUT pleasant. But what really got to me was Achak Deng's story, and his explanation of Sudan, which goes something like this:

1. The Mujahadeen and Janjaweed are one and the same. The name has changed over the years, but the people involved and their goals have been the same.
2. The Sudanese government doesn't change. Only the president changes--the generals cabinet ministers, etc. are always the same, and they always have the same goal: put down threats to their government. Stifle southern Sudan into subservience.

It was education you simply can't buy anywhere, or read anywhere. Achak Deng lived there, he experienced everything, and he understands everything that's going on now.

Market Watch

I recently submitted new fiction to two magazines:

1. One-Story. This is a great magazine that features just one story per publication, hence the name. Great fiction, great layout, and a great idea of a magazine.

2. Glimmer Train. Their contests cost money to submit to, but you can submit to their "open fiction" section for free during specific months. January is one of those months. This is probably one of the biggest magazines, and definitely worth trying for.

On politics in general

I have, over the past few years, become increasingly interested in the political world. Why? Because it affects all of us, for one. But another reason is that it can provide an underlying current to fiction. Since 9/11, the world has changed, and how we write about those changes in our fiction will determine how future generations will reflect upon history.

Look at something simple and generally well-known: Huck Finn. What does the story of Huckleberry Finn tell us about the antebellum south? Now take 9/11. How will your fiction look at the tragedy of the twin towers? It's something to think about. I've said time and again that I love president Bush, not because I agree with him but rather because he gives me sooooooooo much to write about. Every day it's something new! And it's important to get these thoughts down. Someday, someone will be reading our fiction and they'll reflect upon our generation.

My only fear is they'll think we didn't do enough.

David Sirota

If you're looking for a great non-fiction book to read, pick up HOSTILE TAKEOVER, by David Sirota. Now that the Democrats are running Congress, I think we'll see some things change for the better. However, some things are going to stay the same, which is hard to admit since I'm a Democrat myself. But David Sirota is a Democrat, too, and that says something considering how hard he fights to make sure the government represents the people. Check out his book and take notes. It's important.

10 Months?

With a definitive fall date for the release of my first book, I've begun thinking seriously about how to go about marketing the book. It's an important aspect of the publishing process, one that many authors don't seem to understand. Most authors, based on conversations past, seem to think the publisher will simply go out and promote the book and the author can sit back and collect those fat-ass royalty checks.

Nope. Not in today's age. Today, it's all on the author. And in order to sell my book, I need to start thinking like a marketer from here on out. EVERY SALE COUNTS. Every decision I make, everything I do has to be geared toward the eventual release of the book. Every decision will have an effect on the book, be it passive or active or negative or positive.

Every person I meet, every customer and client I interact with, is a potential sale. Sometimes, keeping this in mind means kissing a lot of ass and sucking it up and taking a few lumps on occasion.

That's just how it is. The glory days of publishing died with Hemingway.

2007, finally!

Finally!

2007 is here. What does 2007 mean? It means in the fall, my book is coming out. Finally. Finally. Finally. In order to prepare, I'm planning an outline of my marketing plan, which is going to be essential to selling and promoting the book. Unless your last name is "King" and your first is "Stephen," you ain't gonna sell anything if you don't go out there and promote your book.

And it's never to early to start. Here are a few rough ideas I've come up with for selling my book:

1. Begging
2. Pleading
3. Bribing
4. Lying
5. Crying
6. Lying, then begging, then pleading, then bribing and finally crying. With any luck, I'll look so pathetic that someone will buy the book just to shut me up.