Dinosaur Flatulence

Last week, Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-CA) suggested that it was entirely possible that dinosaur flatulence may have brought about their extinction some 50 million years ago. His logic most likely stems from the scientific fact that methane—specifically from cows—can account for anywhere between 20 and 40 percent of greenhouse gasses that contribute to global warming in today’s age. A very warm period 50 million years ago saw a sharp increase in methane, although most scientists believe it was caused by methane released near the ocean floor and not dinosaur flatulence.

This argument only has merit, of course, if Rohrabacher truly believes global warming exists and is potentially caused by human beings. In the Republican Party, such a forward-thinking belief is a rarity, but it does provide a very bold, very new approach to potentially serious problem.

You see, I have always assumed it was better to combat global warming by reducing co2 emissions through simple actions like reducing how much I drive, installing more efficient light bulbs, and even occasionally writing to my elected representatives regarding certain pollution standards that could be easily implemented. By doing simple research, it was easy to discern which emissions standards and pollution caps were feasible and which weren’t, and I used that information to educate local representatives who could make decisions based on sound science.

But Rep. Rohrabacher might be on to something. Maybe, instead of trying to fight the large corporations—who have a lot more money and lobbyists than us “regular” Americans—we should focus on a much simpler solution to global warming. No, I’m not talking about curbing our consumption of beef in order to reduce methane produced by too many cattle, because that would just be too difficult (everybody loves a good Angus burger now and then). I’m talking, of course, about the flagrant disregard human beings have over their own methane production.

So I’m calling on Congress today to enact immediate legislation to curb methane output. The “Pull My Finger” bill would bring about an immediate curb of methane and co2 emissions resulting from gas produced by human beings and livestock. Think about it: for the price of one new F-15 jet, we could purchase enough cork to effectively plug the anuses of every cow in the United States. Granted, we would still need to do something about their burps (most methane produced by cattle exits in the form of belches), but I’m sure our government could contract out Miss Manners to produce a very effective “Barnyard Etiquette” video to be distributed on farms.

So we’ve got the cattle problem solved, but what about the 300 million people living in the United States? Surely we could set an example to the rest of the world regarding controlled flatulence. After all, every time your co-worker lets one rip, he’s contributing to climate change! This cannot stand, my fellow Americans.

Purposely committed flatulence must be punishable under Federal Law. This amendment to the “Pull My Finger” bill will be called “The Dana Rohrabacher Intentional Farting Clause,” and would cover everything from outright jokes to intentional flatulence attacks that are so popular among college-age males. These intentional acts of methane and co2 distribution are a direct attack upon our basic civil liberties and must be treated as such! No more “Pull my finger” jokes, no more producing gas for comedic effect, and certainly no more movies depicting such acts for the purpose of “humor.” This is a serious issue, and should be treated as such in our media.

Of course, there will be detractors who will continue to say that it would be far easier to simply curb other forms of co2 and methane emissions by investing in cleaner energy and reducing beef consumption. They will continue to spread their filthy lies in the liberal media about clean, affordable emissions processes that already exist and can be implemented without incurring heavy costs to companies that pollute. They will continue to suggest that personal responsibility and affordable regulations can effectively curb the global warming threat.

These people, my fellow Americans, are the enemy. These are the very same people who want to violate your civil liberties by pointing a finger in your direction on a crowded elevator, smiling, and saying, “Pull my finger.”

My fellow Americans, the flatulence must stop. Before it is too late.